* Fortune 500 life

Post date: Mar 2, 2017 6:35:27 AM

Fortune 500 life:

A lot of HR experts study Fortune 500s, and write a book about them. Those written by displaced executives are more amusing than the most. They reveal the nuts and bolts of the inner workings, and you can learn a lot from them. My main profession was a computer worker. The dotcom boom and silicon valley made me the most money. I have worked for three Fortune 500s. What are unique about two of those Fortune 500s are; they were in startup mode then grew to become Fortune 500s. How did they do that? They treated their employees in certain way.

1) They worked with employees with "kuyashii" It means "You may think I can't do it, but I will become an expert and prove you wrong"

2) They were learning organizations. They involved employees. The did NOT tell. They did NOT teach. “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.”

3)

My qualification

Your brain: Brain: Forecasting and simulation and the area of the brain responsible for rational thought doesn't activate until after you do something.

87.3% of all statistics are made up on the fly.

You are here: more than you did

Intelligence

Economy: no one understands. Managed by brilliant people

Technology: no one understands. Managed by brilliant people

Micro vs. Macro economics

97% of all business fail. 3% supports the modern economy.

Complicated world: Unix error message and circa 1985 Peter Norton programming PC (400 pages)

Digital watch, and strapped into aluminum tube full of explosive jet fuel.

1 in a million genius x population growth : 7.5 billion vs. 7,500 amazing people

Knowledge and Technology without intelligence.

Workplace joke

Are you working hard or hardly working?

Are you holding up the wall?

You look different today

It's not my day to be excellent

Not bad for Wednesday

Hump day

TGIF

Humiliation

Individual Dignity Program and Random Drug Test

Quality parade

Company bonus and employee moral

Cubicles

Hoteling

Furniture : only as important as the furniture. You get fired, but furniture stays.

Dress code :

Employee Recognition Program

Business Comm

Comm professor: clear transfer of information

I am worthy of promotion and raise while withholding information

You can't be on the wrong side unless you take a side

Mission Statement: We will produce highest quality products by empowered employees in TQM until we become #1.

Mission Statement retreats

Vision Statement : a computer on every desktop

Useful words in making up titles

Information

Technology

Development

Implementation

User

Advanced

Multimedia

Data

Services

Systems

Computing

TelComm

Network

Research

Company Announcements

To convey a message that something important is happening... but you are not in the know

Motivational messages

It's going to be a tough year

I don't think our project will get funded

Don't expect raise. Work should be its own reward

It's business as usual

Presentation

To get more budget

Only chance to shine outside of your own group

Writing

Infinite number of monkeys typing on infinite number of typewriters for infinite years = shakesphere.

Form over substance for shallow and ignorant people

Documentation: max 2 pages

Clothing and good hari

Management mentality

If I don't understand, it must be easy

If I've done it, it must be easy

Explain what profit is over and over

Schedule funerals only during weekends

Value statement

Communication: speak louder and slower, but in one way.

Our work is done. It should be further championed by __ (throw the dead cat into someone else's backyard)

I am surrounded by idiots. Resistance is futile.

Looking for happy, idealistic, but low self-esteem

Two types of honesty: Your decisions are brilliant, I have an idea on how to save money on toilet paper,

Great lies of management

Employees are our most valued asset : boss's broken chair

I have an open-door policy : assignment ready

You could earn more money under the new plan

We are reorganizing to better serve our customers

The future is bright here : visionary?

We reward risk takers : risk takers and morons fail at same rate.

Performance is rewarded : Tedious performance review process

We don't shoot the messengers

Training is a high priority

I haven't heard any rumor

We will revisit your raise in 6 months

Our people are the best

Your input is important

Attrition

Voluntary leave before forced leave

Who leaves first? Who stays?

Machiavellian Methods

Provide bad advice : hoohak

I am a team player (for the other team)

You are next on my list (to ignore)

I will call you when I know (never)

I love what you've done with your hair

Exceptions: Boss' secretary (direct link), Boss' kids

Virus maneuver : distance and give good review to bad employees, don't lend to other managers

Clothing and great hair : be in it

Looking busy : document vs. nothing vs. newspaper. Take home.

Appeal to greed : people's willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally impossible payoff

Lotteries, dating and religion.

Delegation: subordinate vs. coworker vs. boss

Exaggeration

Attended meetings Strategy planning increased revenue by $10 million

Avoid projects: Accounting, Operations, Reduction, Budget, Quality, Analysis

Seek out projects: Multimedia, Worldwide, Advanced, Strategic, Revenue, Market, Technology, Rapid, Competitive

Get input (buy in)

Millions of people do million of things everyday. Some are good. Ride with them.

False sacrifice

Shut down failed project, and claim budget reduction

Transfer worst employee to other department, and claim helping them

Can not verify jobs

Bad: Sales, Programming, Operations, Customer service, Shipping

Good jobs: Strategy, Media..., Marketing (for mature products), Advertising, Procurement,

Send headache projects to legal department

Employee Strategies

Real work + appearance of work = Total work

Total Hourly Compensation

Salary

Bonuses

Health plan

Travel reimbursement

Per diem

Stolen office supplies

Airline frequent flyer awards

Coffee

Donus

Soda

Newspaper and magazines

Personal calls

Telecommunting

Sick days

Internet surfing

Free photocopies

Training for next job

Cubicle as retail outlet

Office romance

Performance Review

Template based AI experiment

Pretending to work

a) work on your work

b) work on other's perception of your work

Searing

How to get your way

Marketing and communications

Management consultants

Business Plans

Engineers, Scientists, Programmers, Developers

Change Management

Budgeting

Sales

Meetings

Project Management

ISO 9000

Downsizing

Reengineering

Team-Building

Leaders

New Model: