* Fortune 500 life
Post date: Mar 2, 2017 6:35:27 AM
Fortune 500 life:
A lot of HR experts study Fortune 500s, and write a book about them. Those written by displaced executives are more amusing than the most. They reveal the nuts and bolts of the inner workings, and you can learn a lot from them. My main profession was a computer worker. The dotcom boom and silicon valley made me the most money. I have worked for three Fortune 500s. What are unique about two of those Fortune 500s are; they were in startup mode then grew to become Fortune 500s. How did they do that? They treated their employees in certain way.
1) They worked with employees with "kuyashii" It means "You may think I can't do it, but I will become an expert and prove you wrong"
2) They were learning organizations. They involved employees. The did NOT tell. They did NOT teach. “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.”
Your brain: Brain: Forecasting and simulation and the area of the brain responsible for rational thought doesn't activate until after you do something.
87.3% of all statistics are made up on the fly.
You are here: more than you did
Economy: no one understands. Managed by brilliant people
Technology: no one understands. Managed by brilliant people
Micro vs. Macro economics
97% of all business fail. 3% supports the modern economy.
Complicated world: Unix error message and circa 1985 Peter Norton programming PC (400 pages)
Digital watch, and strapped into aluminum tube full of explosive jet fuel.
1 in a million genius x population growth : 7.5 billion vs. 7,500 amazing people
Knowledge and Technology without intelligence.
Are you working hard or hardly working?
Are you holding up the wall?
You look different today
It's not my day to be excellent
Not bad for Wednesday
Individual Dignity Program and Random Drug Test
Company bonus and employee moral
Furniture : only as important as the furniture. You get fired, but furniture stays.
Dress code :
Employee Recognition Program
Comm professor: clear transfer of information
I am worthy of promotion and raise while withholding information
You can't be on the wrong side unless you take a side
Mission Statement: We will produce highest quality products by empowered employees in TQM until we become #1.
Mission Statement retreats
Vision Statement : a computer on every desktop
Useful words in making up titles
To convey a message that something important is happening... but you are not in the know
It's going to be a tough year
I don't think our project will get funded
Don't expect raise. Work should be its own reward
It's business as usual
To get more budget
Only chance to shine outside of your own group
Infinite number of monkeys typing on infinite number of typewriters for infinite years = shakesphere.
Form over substance for shallow and ignorant people
Documentation: max 2 pages
Clothing and good hari
If I don't understand, it must be easy
If I've done it, it must be easy
Explain what profit is over and over
Schedule funerals only during weekends
Communication: speak louder and slower, but in one way.
Our work is done. It should be further championed by __ (throw the dead cat into someone else's backyard)
I am surrounded by idiots. Resistance is futile.
Looking for happy, idealistic, but low self-esteem
Two types of honesty: Your decisions are brilliant, I have an idea on how to save money on toilet paper,
Great lies of management
Employees are our most valued asset : boss's broken chair
I have an open-door policy : assignment ready
You could earn more money under the new plan
We are reorganizing to better serve our customers
The future is bright here : visionary?
We reward risk takers : risk takers and morons fail at same rate.
Performance is rewarded : Tedious performance review process
We don't shoot the messengers
Training is a high priority
I haven't heard any rumor
We will revisit your raise in 6 months
Our people are the best
Your input is important
Voluntary leave before forced leave
Who leaves first? Who stays?
Provide bad advice : hoohak
I am a team player (for the other team)
You are next on my list (to ignore)
I will call you when I know (never)
I love what you've done with your hair
Exceptions: Boss' secretary (direct link), Boss' kids
Virus maneuver : distance and give good review to bad employees, don't lend to other managers
Clothing and great hair : be in it
Looking busy : document vs. nothing vs. newspaper. Take home.
Appeal to greed : people's willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally impossible payoff
Lotteries, dating and religion.
Delegation: subordinate vs. coworker vs. boss
Attended meetings Strategy planning increased revenue by $10 million
Avoid projects: Accounting, Operations, Reduction, Budget, Quality, Analysis
Seek out projects: Multimedia, Worldwide, Advanced, Strategic, Revenue, Market, Technology, Rapid, Competitive
Get input (buy in)
Millions of people do million of things everyday. Some are good. Ride with them.
Shut down failed project, and claim budget reduction
Transfer worst employee to other department, and claim helping them
Can not verify jobs
Bad: Sales, Programming, Operations, Customer service, Shipping
Good jobs: Strategy, Media..., Marketing (for mature products), Advertising, Procurement,
Send headache projects to legal department
Real work + appearance of work = Total work
Total Hourly Compensation
Stolen office supplies
Airline frequent flyer awards
Newspaper and magazines
Training for next job
Cubicle as retail outlet
Template based AI experiment
Pretending to work
a) work on your work
b) work on other's perception of your work
How to get your way
Marketing and communications
Engineers, Scientists, Programmers, Developers