* Fortune 500 life

posted 1 Mar 2017, 22:35 by Daniel Lee   [ updated 16 Jan 2018, 07:24 ]
Fortune 500 life:

A lot of HR experts study Fortune 500s, and write a book about them.  Those written by displaced executives are more amusing than the most.  They reveal the nuts and bolts of the inner workings, and you can learn a lot from them.  My main profession was a computer worker.  The dotcom boom and silicon valley made me the most money.  I have worked for three Fortune 500s.  What are unique about two of those Fortune 500s are; they were in startup mode then grew to become Fortune 500s.  How did they do that?   They treated their employees in certain way.  

1) They worked with employees with "kuyashii"  It means "You may think I can't do it, but I will become an expert and prove you wrong"
2) They were learning organizations.  They involved employees.  The did NOT tell.  They did NOT teach. “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.”
3) 

My qualification
    Your brain: Brain: Forecasting and simulation and the area of the brain responsible for rational thought doesn't activate until after you do something. 
    87.3% of all statistics are made up on the fly.
    You are here: more than you did 

Intelligence    
    Economy: no one understands.  Managed by brilliant people
    Technology: no one understands.  Managed by brilliant people
    Micro vs. Macro economics
    97% of all business fail.  3% supports the modern economy.
    Complicated world:  Unix error message and circa 1985 Peter Norton programming PC (400 pages)
    Digital watch, and strapped into aluminum tube full of explosive jet fuel.
    1 in a million genius x population growth : 7.5 billion vs. 7,500 amazing people
    Knowledge and Technology without intelligence.
    
    
Workplace joke
    Are you working hard or hardly working?
    Are you holding up the wall?
    You look different today
    It's not my day to be excellent
    Not bad for Wednesday
    Hump day
    TGIF
    

Humiliation
    Individual Dignity Program and Random Drug Test
    Quality parade
    Company bonus and employee moral
    Cubicles
    Hoteling
    Furniture : only as important as the furniture.  You get fired, but furniture stays.
    Dress code : 
    Employee Recognition Program
    

Business Comm
    Comm professor: clear transfer of information
    I am worthy of promotion and raise while withholding information
    You can't be on the wrong side unless you take a side    
    Mission Statement: We will produce highest quality products by empowered employees in TQM until we become #1.
    Mission Statement retreats
    Vision Statement : a computer on every desktop
    
Useful words in making up titles
    Information
    Technology
    Development
    Implementation
    User
    Advanced
    Multimedia
    Data
    Services
    Systems
    Computing
    TelComm
    Network
    Research
    
Company Announcements
    To convey a message that something important is happening... but you are not in the know

Motivational messages
    It's going to be a tough year
    I don't think our project will get funded
    Don't expect raise. Work should be its own reward
    It's business as usual

Presentation
    To get more budget
    Only chance to shine outside of your own group
    
Writing
    Infinite number of monkeys typing on infinite number of typewriters for infinite years = shakesphere. 
    Form over substance for shallow and ignorant people
    Documentation: max 2 pages
    Clothing and good hari

Management mentality
    If I don't understand, it must be easy
    If I've done it, it must be easy
    Explain what profit is over and over
    Schedule funerals only during weekends
    Value statement
    Communication: speak louder and slower, but in one way.
    Our work is done.  It should be further championed by __ (throw the dead cat into someone else's backyard)
    I am surrounded by idiots. Resistance is futile.
    Looking for happy, idealistic, but low self-esteem
    Two types of honesty: Your decisions are brilliant, I have an idea on how to save money on toilet paper,

Great lies of management
    Employees are our most valued asset : boss's broken chair
    I have an open-door policy : assignment ready
    You could earn more money under the new plan
    We are reorganizing to better serve our customers 
    The future is bright here : visionary?
    We reward risk takers : risk takers and morons fail at same rate.
    Performance is rewarded : Tedious performance review process
    We don't shoot the messengers
    Training is a high priority
    I haven't heard any rumor
    We will revisit your raise in 6 months
    Our people are the best
    Your input is important

Attrition
    Voluntary leave before forced leave
    Who leaves first? Who stays?

Machiavellian Methods
    Provide bad advice : hoohak
    I am a team player (for the other team)
    You are next on my list (to ignore)
    I will call you when I know (never)
    I love what you've done with your hair
    Exceptions: Boss' secretary (direct link), Boss' kids
    Virus maneuver : distance and give good review to bad employees, don't lend to other managers
    Clothing and great hair : be in it
    Looking busy : document vs. nothing vs. newspaper.  Take home.
    Appeal to greed : people's willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally impossible payoff
    Lotteries, dating and religion.   
    Delegation: subordinate vs. coworker vs. boss
    Exaggeration
        Attended meetings    Strategy planning increased revenue by $10 million
    Avoid projects: Accounting, Operations, Reduction, Budget, Quality, Analysis
    Seek out projects: Multimedia, Worldwide, Advanced, Strategic, Revenue, Market, Technology, Rapid, Competitive
    Get input (buy in)
    Millions of people do million of things everyday. Some are good.  Ride with them. 
    False sacrifice
        Shut down failed project, and claim budget reduction
        Transfer worst employee to other department, and claim helping them
    Can not verify jobs
    Bad: Sales, Programming, Operations, Customer service, Shipping
    Good jobs: Strategy, Media..., Marketing (for mature products), Advertising, Procurement, 
    Send headache projects to legal department
            

Employee Strategies
    Real work + appearance of work = Total work
   Total Hourly Compensation
    Salary
    Bonuses
    Health plan
    Travel reimbursement
    Per diem
    Stolen office supplies
    Airline frequent flyer awards
    Coffee
    Donus
    Soda
    Newspaper and magazines
    Personal calls
    Telecommunting
    Sick days
    Internet surfing
    Free photocopies
    Training for next job
    Cubicle as retail outlet
    Office romance
    
Performance Review
    Template based AI experiment

Pretending to work
    a) work on your work
    b) work on other's perception of your work

Searing
How to get your way
Marketing and communications
Management consultants
Business Plans
Engineers, Scientists, Programmers, Developers
Change Management
Budgeting
Sales 
Meetings
Project Management
ISO 9000
Downsizing
Reengineering
Team-Building
Leaders
New Model: 





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